Back in November I sat down and wrote somewhat a brief life update. It somehow seems a very, very long time ago since then. Things have changed, and I am happy to report that they have changed for the better. To cut a long story short, the main reason for having been so unhappy for the last six months was because of the relationship I was in. It may not have escaped the attention of some of you, I feel as though I had been rather negative on social media and it had also come across in some of my posts and honestly, that is not like me at all.
It is difficult to put into words what exactly went wrong with that relationship, it was a combination of many things. I of course will not delve into them online, but I will tell you what I have learnt having been in a relationship that I knew deep down was not working, yet for some reason I just kept holding on.
They say that you should always trust your gut instinct. Whoever ‘they’ are, they’re right. In the past my gut instinct has always been right. It is however sometimes hard to accept. You know what is coming, you just have this feeling. I had this same feeling months and months ago, yet I ignored it. I continued to try and make things work, agreeing to go away for weekends and cinema visits when in fact, we just needed to talk in order to air out everything that was very much left unsaid.
I am a firm believer that when in a relationship you need to talk to your partner, I am not talking about discussing what’s for dinner. I am talking about feelings, telling them that you love them or if something isn’t working for you or they’ve done something to make you feel unhappy, whether it is about the good or the bad you have to talk. Perhaps it stems from having grown up with a mum and dad who split up, their relationship broke down and I know first hand what that does to a family. It goes without saying that despite my best efforts (and trust me I tried) I got nothing back. We just went around in circles. It left me feeling like I was the only one who wanted it to work, like I was the only one that cared, and that, my friends is rather hurtful.
The relationship was incredibly lonely. No relationship should feel like that. I was on a regular basis left wondering what was wrong with me, whatever I did never felt good enough, I never felt funny enough, pretty enough or remotely interesting and that was so incredibly draining to deal with on a daily basis.
I suppose I should have known back in October that things were over. After having been with said person for one year and telling them how happy I was (in truth this was a bit of a lie), I was rather shunned aside with ‘…I don’t know what you want from me‘. Yes, I didn’t think that I would forget those words, although I can honestly say that by the time February came around and I took the bull by its horns and ended it that I was quite over it. It took a further four months of going back and forth and getting nowhere before I finally decided that enough was enough. Up until then, I had never ended a relationship. I think this was partly why I let it go on so long, I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t want to be that person, although if something clearly isn’t working there is no shame in being that person. It is ultimately the best decision for both of you. This is what I told myself, it was the only thing I stuck by because otherwise I don’t think I could have done it.
It was a relationship of little laughter, hardly any love and almost no passion. It was over a long time ago, long before I took control and called it a day. I cared about him which is why I found it so hard, I still do, but I certainly wasn’t in love with him and I don’t think I ever could have been. It just wasn’t there.
To an extent looking back I have felt a bit used. I was there as and when, it was always (at least it felt that way) on his terms. I am not about the blame game, I understand more than most that sometimes things are just not meant to be. In fact, sometimes I blame myself, I wish that I had been more assertive and that I had stood up for myself more, particularly in this last relationship; although I could apply that to many areas of my life and not just relationships.
Of course it wasn’t all bad, we had good times together and I will always remember those with fondness. It makes me sad that it ended the way it did, but at the same time I now feel free. I can breathe.