Despite the beautiful picture and my post earlier on today featuring Lou, this post is not the most cheerful. Behind the photo is my latest post, in which over the last few days I would say that those days have been the most miserable in recent months.
Despite the glorious weather, aka the snowy scenes across the UK and of course my numerous pictures on Snapchat and Instagram to prove that yes, I too also have snow where I live. The pictures cannot take away how I feel on the inside, and how I feel is incredibly sad and lonely. A post such as this has been on the cards for a while now, however I just never seem to be in that moment to sit down and write it. I never quite know what to say. However, as I sat down tonight in my oversize jumper, in my freezing cold bedroom that I have to share with my sister and a really sore lip which I bit and tore this morning when stressing, I suddenly felt the urge to sit down and type. There is no plan to this post, I am writing as I speak to myself in my head; I hope it makes sense to someone.
I feel frustrated with life. I feel frustrated with everything in fact, and no matter how hard I try, or work or the effort I put in, nothing really seems to improve enough to make any impact. Sometimes, in fact, more often than not these days I just want to give up and walk away; I am so tired of trying. It is hard to explain, although I think putting it in terms of feeling trapped is a good a word as any. Maybe it is the fact that I am 28, still living at home and earning a poor wage. I can't move out, it is impossible. I can't move forward with my life. I leave the house at 7:30am and don't get home until 7:30pm, my days are long, but then again so are other people's.
Last week I treated myself to a £40 make up brush set from Boots, I really wanted them last year but decided not to get them at the time. What with feeling so down lately I decided to get them this time around, I wanted something to cheer myself up. How ridiculous is that? All it has done, since said purchase is make me feel guilty because I couldn't afford to get them in truth, even if they were better than half price. *Shakes fist at Boots.*
The fact that I am writing 'I' in this also makes me feel horrible inside. It comes across as me, me, me. That isn't who I am, I am a nice person, yet lately I feel like I am having to tell myself that more and more often because I feel so low.
Today, I also had a rant about Instagram on Twitter. How absolutely ludicrous to write that down. I am never like that. I like to take the stance of being the better person and shrugging it off and getting on with it. I try to produce good content and nice visual images, and yet some bloggers that I follow and support, even a friend a few months ago have un-followed me recently, another today in fact and in truth it hurt a bit. I just thought to myself why? What have I done? What don’t you like about me or my content? It is really silly on my part to care so much what others think and do, I know this. Yet when you are feeling so down and insecure about yourself, a simple act like that can really stamp on your self confidence with a size nine.
I am also in a relationship, and have been for over a year now. I have never felt more alone. There are no pictures of us I can share, I am a secret (at least that’s how I feel). It is nothing sordid, please don’t get the wrong idea. It is made out to be complicated but it shouldn’t be. I probably shouldn’t write about this, yet, I would be silly and in denial if I didn’t as it is a big part of the reason why I feel so low. I want to feel and know that I am loved, yet for the most part I just feel empty and not wanted.
I also have no friends. People reading this who know me personally, please don’t be offended. What I mean by no friends is that I have nobody who I can really talk to, connect with and just chat freely. So many people I know have ‘girlfriends’, or at least a best friend who they can hang out with, call up out of the blue and have a good heart to heart. I haven’t had a best friend since year 11 at School, and that was a long time ago let me tell you. I have never had a big social circle, I was never popular but I did have a nice little group of friends once upon a time. Loneliness is something I experience daily, I am used to it for the most part because it has been that way for a very, very long time, however sometimes it can become harder to cope with on occasion.
On Sunday me and my mum went for a walk, it had being snowing in case it had escaped your attention. It was nice, it was probably the highlight of the last four days in truth. I looked happy in the photos, well, some of them. The majority of them have been deleted, I hate my smile and laugh. It doesn’t seem to fit my face. It is probably hard to believe really, I take a fair few selfies. Maybe as it is the only form of compliment I get in my life these days. That is sad.
My body makes me sad. I feel like I have put on weight and whilst weight is not something that bothers me on a day to day basis, I just don’t feel remotely good about myself anymore.
This blog is another thing. My god I love it, I love blogging and the community but lately it drives me bonkers. The little bloggers have got left behind completely. My voice cannot be heard over the loud waves, over the money and obscene hauls that whilst I enjoy watching, I know that I could never ever afford. Maybe I need to shout louder? The trouble is, even when I do, nobody hears. I can’t create beautiful pictures daily, I don’t have a photographer and I can’t work on this as a job because it doesn’t pay my bills. It is as simple as that. I would love to try going self employed, however I just can’t get to grips with the tax forms and I’m scared of doing anything wrong or somehow being worse off. The cold and dark nights are of course not helping my mood as it nigh on impossible to create content on a week night after work.
I guess I don’t really know where I was aiming to go with this post. It wasn’t really planned, it is just a spontaneous ramble, disjointed and jumping from one thing to another. That is what my life is like lately, there is no organisation or plan, it is just living day to day with a list of things to do which never gets smaller as I rarely have the motivation to tackle it.
Have you ever felt like this? If you have, what did you do to make it better?